Story of Troy Part 3

The next day, the sun came up and saw Achilles’ face.  Helios decided to make way for some clouds.  The Trojans assembled on the plain.  The Greeks lined up.  The battle started.  Achilles mowed his way through people, not really caring whose side they were on.

                Then he saw Hector.

                Hector saw him.

                Achilles charged like a bull, without horns because he didn’t have any.

                Hector ran.  In fact, he fled.  It wasn’t very heroic, but Hector wasn’t dumb.  Would you want to fight a guy who was unbeatable?  Whose skin turned away swords?  I didn’t think so.  And Hector had a wife and child to think about.  He knew what would happen if Troy fell.  Plus, no one had told him about the ankle.  Only certain people knew.

                The Trojans inside the walls of the city were even more frightened.  They slammed the doors shut and refused to open them for Hector because he hadn’t paid them that month.  They had hungry mouths at home too.

                Hector ran around the walls once.  Achilles couldn’t catch him.

                Hector passed Achilles and circled the city a second time.

                Achilles started to pant.  It was hot on the plain.

                Hector passed him a third time.

                Achilles wised up.  He was more brawn than brains after all.  He stopped running.  He leaned on his sword.  He waited.

                Hector ran right in to him.

                It wasn’t a good day for Hector.  Or for his corpse.  When Hector breathed his last, Achilles tied the corpse up to his chariot and pulled it back to the Greek lines.

                Most people considered this a bit over kill.  It was war after all.  Yet, consider.  The heroes had this thing about bodies.  It was kind of trophy hunting.  After all there had been a tug of war over Patroclus’s corpse.  It was a manly thing, fighting over manly remains.  It sounds manly today as opposed to the reality of mourning your dead lover.

                Well, the Trojans were horrified.  That was not cricket.  Tug of war was one thing, dragging a corpse totally another. 

                Andromache fainted. 

                Priam got together all the gold in the city and went to ransom his son’s body.  Why he didn’t use the gold to try to undermine the Greeks to begin?  That would have been the sensible thing to do.  Which is probably why he did not give control of the bank account to Hecuba.

                Priam was lucky because the god Hermes didn’t have anything better to do; he disguised himself as a young boy and accompanied the king, guiding the wagon filled with gold.

                Hermes was tired of all the other gods hogging his glory.  If Hector had bothered to pray to him, Hermes would have lent him his winged sandals and Troy’s greatest hero would still be alive.  But no, nope, nada nothing.  Not even the dregs of wine.  Just cause you floated on wing sandals and without an annoying bow and arrow of love.  People ignored you.  Zeus had sex coming out the wahzoo.  But a messenger boy?  Nada.

                Achilles had propped Hector’s corpse up before a fire and was regaling it with tales of what he and Partoculus had done as young lads.  In great detail.  The only thing missing was the slide pictures with all those vacation photographs that make you want to kill the person who went on vacation.  You know those photos, the same scene from like six different angles.  You might have taken them, but if you are nice person you don’t show them to anyone.

                Luckily for Hector’s corpse, the slide sorter, let alone the camera had not been invented yet. 

                But it was a near thing.  It seemed to the nearest watcher, in this case Odysseus, that Hector’s corpse wore a very pained expression.

                Luckily for Priam, he had pack many gold rings and bracelets in the treasure trove.  Achilles loved a gold bracelet, he especially liked putting them around his ankles.  A good anklet put his heel in a flattering light.   It gave him a warm feeling.  Long story short, Priam got his son back, or at least his corpse, and Achilles got bling. 

                Then there were a whole bunch of funeral games because the Greek invented the wake – at least for famous people or those who knew famous people.  Little people didn’t matter.  Greek fire fodder.

                Shortly after the funeral games and rites were over, the war started back up again because Helen was still there.  Achilles killed many people including Amazons, which distressed him because he didn’t realize they were women.  He thought all women were weavers.  He just thought the Amazons were men with really buff chests. 

                There were nasty rumors about what Achilles did with the corpse, but those were just rumors.  Achilles never really knew that much about women.  He should have left the anklets alone though.

                Paris used the anklet to aim his bow and then boom, Achilles got hit the heel.  He kneeled over dead as the proverbial door nail, though that proverb hadn’t been invented yet.

               

Anywoo, Paris didn’t have long to celebrate because the Greeks got another archer who had conveniently been left behind by Jason of the Argonauts (the Greeks were always leaving people behind   - women who did good things for them, funny smelling warriors, rowers – when they weren’t “accidently” eating their child).  He shot his poison arrow at Paris who didn’t die right away because it was a poison arrow.  It’s like Shakespeare where everyone has the time to say, “Oops I’m dead”. 

                Helen couldn’t do a thing for him.  She was just good looking.  It was a lot of work to keep those looks up.  So, Paris sent for the nymph he had abandoned when he went after Helen.  Said nymph gave him that look and went back to work.

                Rumors were that she burnt herself on Paris’ funeral pyre.  This is not true.  It was only a story put out by Zeus who believed no man should be condemned for getting some.  In fact, the nymph meet a nice jam maker and became a follower of Hera.

                Did the Trojans do the sensible thing and give Helen back?

                Do politicians ever drain the swamp?

                Helen kept marrying young Trojan royals who kept getting killed in battle shortly afterwards.  Andromache began to get a little concerned because sooner rather than later, Helen would have to marry Hector’s son, who was still a babe in arms. 

                But now the Greeks were getting bored.  Whacking people dead was only fun for so long.  They also had kingdoms to rule, and you can’t really rent them out.

                But what really happened was that Achilles’ son showed up and everyone realized that they had spent far too long in Turkey.  Plus, who knew if Helen still had all her teeth or was still in good, clean working order.

                Odysseus hit upon the idea of a horse.

                And it worked because the Trojans were stupid.  And Helen was tired of hanging out with stupid people.  Don’t believe me, why didn’t Hector know about about Achilles when everyone else did?  Who doesn’t hand over Helen on a platter?

                The Greeks took the city.  Killed many people, but Helen wasn’t one of them.  Melanaus showed up at her bed chamber, ready to kill her.

                She dropped her robe.

                Divine beauty ages really well.  It’s like what Sophia Loren said – you couldn’t handle her naked.

                Menelaus dropped his sword but his other sword went up.

                Agamemnon got Cassandra but he didn’t get to keep her very long because wifey was waiting at home with an axe.  Odysseus took the scenic root home, slept with a few women while his wife kept weaving at home, before showing up in a disguise and killing people, including maids.  He was only allowed to sleep with people.  Then he discovered that his son had ideas about how to run the kingdom and that his wife was old.  So, he left to go back to the scenic route.

                Unlike the other great absentee father, Zeus, Odysseus was killed by the son of one his by the blows.

                And the Trojans, well, let’s not ruin a nice story with too much ugly death.